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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22621825">If you're hurting, love yourself with my heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahblahblahcollapse/pseuds/blahblahblahcollapse'>blahblahblahcollapse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stranger Things (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Billy's depressed and Steve's a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Post-Season/Series 03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:33:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,348</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22621825</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahblahblahcollapse/pseuds/blahblahblahcollapse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m not leaving,” Steve says, hands still tugging on the blankets. “I can be just as stubborn as you, you ass.”<br/>Billy hates the way his heart seems to jump at that - <em>you ass</em>.<br/>It’s so familiar, so honest, so normal. Billy can’t remember the last time things felt normal.<br/>Everyone’s always dancing around him - cautious, gentle, <em>waiting</em>.<br/>For things to be okay, for Billy to be okay, for everything to be normal again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>164</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If you're hurting, love yourself with my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Lunch is ready,” El’s voice is close to his ear, her body a warm presence by his head. She doesn’t touch, just hovers at his side…waiting.</p><p>She’s always waiting.</p><p>Everybody’s always fucking waiting.</p><p>Billy doesn’t know how to convince them that it’s useless. There’s nothing to wait for.</p><p>But no one wants to hear it.</p><p>He blinks at the blank wall in front of him a few times and slowly rolls over, feels the movement pull at each ligament and joint in his body.</p><p>“Not hungry,” his voice is rough, like he’s been swallowing gravel or smoking two packs a day.</p><p>God, he could really use a cigarette - hasn’t had one in ages. Something about the toxins in the Upside Down compromising his lungs, they need time to recover, he shouldn’t be smoking anyway, <em>blah, blah, blah</em>.</p><p>“Don’t care,” El says, arms folded over her chest.</p><p>Immovable object meet unstoppable force.</p><p>Except Billy doesn’t have the will to be unstoppable anymore. He waves her away, twists to plant his feet on the ground, and stands from the bed. He meets her at the table, pulls out the chair on the opposite side and drops down into it with a sigh.</p><p>“What’s on the menu today?” He asks, glancing at the sandwich on the plate in front of him.</p><p>“Roast beef and cheese.” She answers.</p><p>“Mustard?” He raises an eyebrow, peeling back the top layer of bread to peek underneath.</p><p>“Of course.” She nods, grinning.</p><p>They eat in silence.</p><p>
  <em>Knock. Knock. Knock.</em>
</p><p>Billy tenses in his seat, but El doesn’t budge, keeps chewing on the sandwich in her hands as the lock on the door unlatches and it swings open.</p><p>“Hey Steve,” she says through a mouthful of food as Steve steps into the house and closes the door behind him.</p><p>He looks good. Like he always does - like he did the last time he was here.</p><p>
  <em>“Stop looking at me like that, wouldya?” Billy snapped at Steve, who was doing a piss poor job of pretending to read a magazine across from him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Like what?” Steve asked, eyes wide with that false innocence that grates on Billy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Like you’re expecting me to, I don't know, do some fucking thing.” Billy said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Steve’s always coming around, always ‘hanging out’. Always fucking waiting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For Billy to do something, or say something, or...Billy didn’t know what. He just knew that it drove him a little mad. Made him feel like there’s a ticking bomb over his head, counting down some secret amount of time that everyone else was privy to except for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Am I not allowed to enjoy a magazine in your presence?” Steve asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Must be some fucking page you’ve got there, you’ve only been staring at it for the last ten minutes.” Billy snarled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s an editorial piece.” Steve lied, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Billy rolled his eyes and stood up, snatching the magazine out of Steve’s hands.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You should go.” He said, ignoring the way the hurt in Steve’s expression nestled its way under his ribcage, made it hard to breathe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>El and Max were sitting at the kitchen table, Max working on her math homework while El read one of the books from the stack Max had brought over for her. Steve looked at them, as if for backup, but Max just glanced from Billy to Steve and shrugged - He’s not my problem anymore. El didn’t even look up from her book.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Billy-“ Steve didn’t get a chance to say anything more before Billy said “I’m tired”, throwing the magazine onto the coffee table and walking over to his bed.</em>
</p><p>Billy doesn’t remember how long it took Steve to actually leave after that, how long he may have continued to sit around. <em>Waiting.</em></p><p>Something inside of Billy aches at the sight of him now. He’s not sure if it’s guilt or shame or…maybe relief, that even after everything Steve continues to come back.</p><p>“Hey, El,” Steve says, crossing over to the table to ruffle her curls affectionately. His eyes turn to Billy, and Billy quickly shifts his gaze to the table.</p><p>“I’m going back to bed,” Billy says to his plate.</p><p>“Finish.” El says.</p><p>“I’m okay,” Billy shifts in his seat, setting what’s left of his sandwich back on the plate.</p><p>“Finish.” El insists, and Billy chances a look at her. She’s got her arms folded over her chest again, looking as unimpressed as ever.</p><p>He chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment as he stares back at her, trying to decide if it’s worth putting up a fight today.</p><p>He can feel Steve’s eyes on him, though. Burning into his face.</p><p><em>Waiting</em>.</p><p>So he picks up the sandwich, refuses to break eye-contact with El as he shoves the whole thing into his mouth and chews.</p><p>When he swallows, he lifts his hands in surrender and stands up from the table.</p><p>“Happy?” He bites out, and she just nods, grinning again.</p><p>He doesn’t look at Steve again before he makes his way back over to the bed and climbs under the covers, wrapping them around himself like a cocoon.</p><p>He can hear El and Steve whispering at the table, but he doesn’t want to know what they’re saying so he tunes it out, curls further into his blankets and faces the wall.</p><p>Ever since he woke up in the hospital, three days after Steve found him and dragged him out of the Upside Down, time has felt a bit like molten lava. Oozing along at a pace so painstakingly slow, and leaving behind no trace of life. He doesn’t really know what day it is or how many days have passed since the monster possessed him.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying there, staring at the wall, before the bed dips at his back and warm, familiar fingers card through his hair.</p><p>“Billy,” Steve’s breath caresses the side of his face as he leans down, hooks his chin over his neck.</p><p>“Go away, Harrington.” Billy whispers, turning his face into his pillow.</p><p><em>Harrington</em>.</p><p>Steve hates when he calls him that.</p><p>
  <em>“It’s so impersonal…Reminds me of when you hated me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I never hated you.” Billy’s response was always immediate, urgent, cause he needed Steve to know. He felt like an idiot with how desperate he was for Steve to know.</em>
</p><p>“El said you haven’t gone outside in over a week.” Steve says, undeterred. “C’mon.” He tugs at Billy’s blankets. Billy groans, turns onto his stomach so that the blankets wrap tighter around him, buries his face into the pillow until he feels like he’s being smothered.</p><p>“I’m not leaving,” Steve says, hands still tugging on the blankets. “I can be just as stubborn as you, you ass.”</p><p>Billy hates the way his heart seems to jump at that - <em>you ass</em>.</p><p>It’s so familiar, so honest, so normal. Billy can’t remember the last time things felt normal.</p><p>Everyone’s always dancing around him - cautious, gentle, <em>waiting</em>.</p><p>For things to be okay, for Billy to be okay, for everything to be normal again.</p><p>Fingers wrap around his ankles and suddenly he’s being twisted, turned and pulled off the side of the bed feet-first. He grapples onto his pillow, knowing it won’t save him, but if he has to go, it’s coming with him.</p><p>He hits the floor with a thud, and then Steve flips him over before he can recover. He finds the edge of the blankets and peels them back, doesn’t even look sorry when the rush of cold hits Billy’s skin and makes him shudder - stomach and thighs bared where his clothes have ridden up in the struggle.</p><p>Billy keeps clinging to the pillow, holds it tight against his chest, and glares up at Steve.</p><p>Steve, who’s crouched down next to his knees, hands fisted in the stolen blankets, glaring right back at him.</p><p>“C’mon,” Steve insists, holding out a hand for him. “Just come take like a ten minute walk with me. And then you can come right back here and lay around for the rest of the day.”</p><p>Billy rolls his eyes, lets out a heavy sigh, and throws the pillow at Steve’s hand before clambering to his feet on his own. He trudges over to the front door, determined not to see the victorious grin on Steve’s face, and shoves his feet into his open boots. The worn leather feels cold and foreign against his feet. Maybe Steve’s right that a week is too long to be stuck indoors.</p><p>Billy’s not about to admit that, though.</p><p>He swings open the front door and steps out onto the porch, shudders at the unexpected chill in the air. It must be Autumn already. He hadn’t noticed.</p><p>“Here,” Steve says quietly from close behind him, and Billy turns to find him holding up his denim jacket. Billy doesn’t remember having it with him when he was moved from the hospital to Hopper’s cabin. Someone must’ve brought it over with some of his other things.</p><p>He wonders for a moment what that must have been like - showing up at Neil’s house to claim Billy’s things. Hopper must have been there. Billy can’t see Neil letting a couple of teenagers come raid his house for his deadbeat kid’s garbage without some convincing from an authority figure.</p><p>As far as Billy knows, Neil hasn’t tried to find him at all since the summer.</p><p>Steve gestures impatiently with Billy’s jacket.</p><p>Billy shrugs. He sort of likes how cold it is, likes the way the breeze nips at his bare arms, reminds him he’s still here, still tethered to this earth just like everybody else.</p><p>He doesn’t say that, though.</p><p>Never says any of the shit going through his head. Cause it’s weird, right? It’s the kind of stuff that will get him sent back to the hospital, to that lab, where they’ll poke and prod at him and ask him if he sees the Upside Down when he closes his eyes.</p><p>He doesn’t.</p><p>He kind of wishes he did. Maybe then he would feel justified in feeling the way he does.</p><p>Steve lets out a sigh, exasperated, and throws it back into the house before closing the door and heading down the porch steps. Billy wraps his arms around himself, hesitating, watching. Steve’s wearing those jeans that always used to drive Billy crazy. Light-wash, tight in all the right places, leaving just enough to the imagination to make his mouth water.</p><p>It takes him back to early summer, a week after Steve’s graduation. When all of their circling came to a head, and Billy finally learned what it felt like to dig his fingers into that worn denim while Steve’s teeth nipped at his lips.</p><p>“You coming?” Steve’s voice interrupts his thoughts, a knowing smirk on his lips when Billy forces his eyes from Steve’s ass to his face.</p><p>His own face feels warm as he dips his head, embarrassed at being caught, and walks down the steps. Steve holds out a hand when Billy reaches him, and Billy’s arms unfurl so he can accept, some of the tension leaving his body as Steve interlaces their fingers.</p><p>Neither of them say anything as they follow the path around the back of the cabin. Billy focuses on the warmth of Steve’s palm pressed against his, tries to ignore all the unspoken words between them.</p><p>Steve’s been so patient with him for so long, even since before the Mindflayer. And he can’t understand why. Steve could be doing anything else with his time, should be doing anything else with his time.</p><p>Billy stops short when they round the corner and he spots it. The hoop has seen better days - looks a bit like how Billy feels inside. The net is just a mess of frayed strings barely clinging to rusty metal, clumsily nailed to the side of the shed.</p><p>“I don’t…” he looks back at Steve, who has procured a basketball, seemingly out of nowhere, a tiny, hopeful smile on his face.</p><p>“I know it’s kinda lame,” Steve says. “But I thought maybe it could give you something to do?”</p><p>“Steve,” Billy thinks distantly that he should be embarrassed by how softly the name falls from his lips, but he isn’t.</p><p>“If you hate it, that’s fine,” Steve looks down at the ball in his hands, digs his thumbs into the black lines.</p><p>“Steve,” Billy says it more firmly this time.</p><p>“Shit, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be pushy or anything,” Steve barrels on, clearly not comprehending Billy’s tone. “I just thought…” Billy steps into his space, places his hands over Steve’s on the ball, effectively stopping him.</p><p>“Thank you,” Billy whispers, feeling a smile pull at his lips. Steve’s shoulders drop in relief, a smile stretching across his own lips, and then he surges forward to press those lips against Billy’s.</p><p>The warmth of the kiss trickles down the back of Billy’s throat, curling around his chest, settling into his stomach. It’s grounding. Makes him feel safe.</p><p>Steve pulls away first, takes the ball with him, and tests its bounce against the dirt.</p><p>“What’d’ya say? Best two out of three?” He asks, tossing the ball to Billy.</p><p>“I’m a little rusty,” Billy admits as he catches it, holds it against his chest, then smirks. “Maybe you’ll finally be able to keep up?” The indignant squawk Steve lets out at that ends up slightly muffled by the sound of Billy dribbling the ball towards the hoop.</p><p>Time escapes Billy’s grasp once again. But this time it’s to the shuffle of feet across dirt, to the feeling of Steve crowded up against his back, the brush of arms reaching for the ball, hot breath ghosting over the side of Billy’s neck.</p><p>It finally feels, for the first time, like the waiting has stopped. If only for a little while.</p><p>Nothing’s fixed. The world still turns and Billy still feels like he’ll never fit into its rhythm again. But Steve’s here, asking Billy to let him play a role in defining whatever this new normal is.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this has been sitting in my drafts, mostly completed, since like a week after s3 dropped. i feel a bit meh about it personally, but i just needed to prove to myself that i'm still capable of completing a thing, so... i did it, yay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p><p>title is from the song <a href="https://youtu.be/kkWJRkfZPzU">victor roberts by brockhampton</a>. the song itself was not an inspiration for this fic at all, but it's a beautiful song and the lyric was kind of perfect.</p><p>come say hey on tumblr if you wanna - <a href="https://blahblahblaharringrove.tumblr.com/">blahblahblaharringrove</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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